I Can't Unlove You
by AGreyTwilight
Summary: Derek leaves Meredith when she is eighteen, making their worlds implode. Read as they make their way through life without each other and face the consequences of that fateful decision when they meet up fifteen years later. Rated K for now.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to my fic! This is actually my eigth and I hope you enjoy it. This contains Grey's characters in a Twilight premise, at least at first. There are no vampires in this fic nor do the Cullens make an appearance. This is also MerDer, but it will take a while to get there. So buckle up and enjoy the ride. Comments are appreciated. Thanks, Steph**

**Prologue - MPOV**

"Hey Mer!"

I stopped walking down the hallway and looked at my fellow doctor and friend, Dr. Alex Karev.

"When we are within the hallways of this hospital, you will address me by the proper title of Dr. Grey." I mocked, acting like my mother.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Blow it out your ass." He said, smiling.

"Did you need something?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, did you hear? We are getting a new Neuro God." He told me.

"Yes, I heard. It is all anyone is talking about. Well, that and how he is bringing his famous doctor wife with him. Apparently, Dr. and Mrs. Perfect don't have names." I rolled my eyes. I was Chief Bailey's favorite right now and I didn't need or want anyone getting in the way of that.

"Jealous much?" He asked.

"No. Not at all. I just hope he is up for a little friendly competition is all." I snorted.

"Friendly? You? Yeah, not so much." He countered."What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, hands on hips."Need I remind you of the first day we met as interns? Or the case where you knocked me flat on my ass?" He asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Not my fault you got in my way." I shrugged.

"You clotheslined me!" He exclaimed.

"Again, not my fault."

"I had to have four sutures. And my ribs hurt for weeks." He complained.

"Oh you big baby. You are a former wrestler. Suck it up. Made you a stronger doctor and one who now knows to get out of my way." I teased.

"What are we talking about?" I grinned and Alex groaned.

"We are not talking about anything; Mer and I are talking about something. This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out." Alex sneered.

"You would think you two hated each other, but I know better. You love each other." I continued, ignoring their sneers. "And we were talking about the new docs gracing us with their presence." I told my friend of twenty years.

"Oh yeah, Brainless Brain Man and his Vaginator?" Cristina quipped. "Bailey is thrilled. She is like a little pixie dancing around. You would think this guy's cock was made of gold the way she is acting."

"Bailey is dancing?" I asked. The four foot ten inch woman made my mother quake in her boots, and that was saying something.

"Dancing, skipping…same thing. Big meeting later. See ya then. Don't be late." Cristina said and then walked swiftly down the hall.

My phone chimed that I had a text so I excused myself from Alex.

_How is ur day?_

I rolled my eyes. How hard is it to spell out your words?

_Same crap, different bathroom. You?_

_Fine. Just got out of ass lift. Dinner 2 nite?_

_Okay, I get off at six and then I have to pick up Aves._

_OK meet u at Alongi's. Later hoor._

_It is Whore, your prick. And I will see you then . _

_ILY._

I sighed and typed out my response.

_Me too_.

I placed my phone back into my lab coat and went back to work.

/ICUY/

The next time I glanced at my watch it was almost four.

Crap!

I ran for the conference room. Bailey would have my ass if I was late.

I rounded the corner and saw that it was standing room only. I decided I was tiny enough to press through the crowd and get closer and if not, I hoped they watched out for my lethal elbows.

However, my way into the room was blocked.

I looked at Cristina and Alex.

"What are you doing? Let me by." I demanded, laughing looks on their faces made me take pause."What's wrong?" I asked sharply. "Is it Aves?"

Cristina hesitated and looked over her shoulder. I could see Mark, his jaw tense. He only looked like that if he was angry or worried. Wonder which it was this time.

He saw me and made his way to me.

"Hey. Can you tell these two to move out of my way before Bailey realizes that I am not in there and has my ass for dinner?" I asked him.

"I…" He trailed off, as if having trouble finding the words and ran a hand through his short locks. "You don't want to go in there."

"Why wouldn't I want to go in there? Is his breath so atrocious that I will pass out? That's okay; I will just give him a Tic Tac." I teased.

I moved to push past him. He stopped me."Mer. Please. Don't go in there." He pleaded.

I looked into his eyes, eyes so familiar to me. They were filled with worry and angst and concern and adoration. Whatever it was, it was freaking him out, which is turn was freaking me out. I shook it off.

"Whatever it is, it will be fine. Now let me go."

I wrenched my arm from his gentle grasp and pushed through the crowd. I heard Mark say my name lowly, urgently. I made it to the second row and took my place leaning up against the wall. If Sasquatch would move, I could see better.

"Now as you all know, I have been very excited about these new additions to our staff." The room laughed as they had seen the Cheif's rather exuberant behavior the last couple of days. "They come highly recommended and I would like to be the first to introduce you to Dr. Derek Shepherd and his wife, Dr. Addison Montgomery Shepherd."

The roar started in my ears almost immediately. My throat felt as if it were closing in. My eyes were burning. My lungs stopped constricting. I couldn't breath, couldn't move, couldn't think clearly. Just his name…over and over and over again in a loop.

_Derek_

_Derek_

_Derek_

I vaguely heard Mark saying my name, his hands fluttering around my face, my hair. And then_ he _was in my sight. Time had touched him, subtly though. His hair was more controlled. His formerly lean body was more muscular. He had crinkles around his cerulean eyes. He had stubble that feathered his strong jaw. The body that tensed, the jaw that dropped open when the eyes landed on me, was the last thing I saw before I saw nothing.

**Comment? Please? Pretty Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for adding this fic and me to your favorite author/story. My CrackBerry was going nuts all through the night! Thanks to all those who commented. I appreciate it!**

**This update borrows heavily from Stephenie Meyer's New Moon. Basically I just added different characters. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**I do not own Grey's or Twilight. I do however own both Twilight movies, all four books, advance tickets to Eclipse and Seasons 1-4 of Grey's. **

**Book One, Part One - Nothing**

_15 years ago…_

"Come for a walk with me." He softly demanded, extending his hand out to me.

I took it immediately, concerned with his detached demeanor and the crooked smile that did not reach his eyes.

We walked through the wooded forest that surrounded my house, staying silent. I wanted desperately to say something, anything to make him reassure me.

"Say something." I pleaded with him, bringing myself and him, to a looked at me, his eyes vacant of emotion.

"Meredith, we're leaving." He said brain reeled as I fought to understand the implication of that statement.

"Wha…why now? I mean, I know it's been hard since your dad died, but another few months and we will have graduated and…"

I stopped as finally my brain caught up with what he wasn't saying.

"When you say we…' I whispered.

"I mean, me and my family." Each word separate and distinct.

I shook my head back and forth in denial. He waited without a sign of impatience.

It took a few minutes before I could speak.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm no good for you, Meredith."

"What…no. No! You promised! You said you would never leave me! You said you loved me!"

"Meredith, I don't want you to come with me." He said, taking a deep breath and staring, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder.

"You…don't…want…me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No."

I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes.

He stared back without apology. His eyes were like sapphires, hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.

"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb.

"Of course, I will always love you…in a way. I am just tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I've let this go on for too long, and for that I am sorry."

"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."

He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.

"You're not good for me, Meredith." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.

I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again.

He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion.

I tried again.

"If…that's what you want."He nodded whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." He said.

I wondered what he saw on my face, because something flickered across his own face in response. But, before, I could identify it, he'd composed his features into the same serene mask.

"Anything." I vowed, my voice faint and as I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The sapphire became liquid, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.

"Don't do anything reckless, or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I am saying?"

I nodded and his eyes cooled, the distance returned.

"I am thinking of Thatcher, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself, for him."

"I will."

He seemed to relax just a little.

"And I will make a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."

My knees started shaking, my blood was pounding faster than normal behind my ears.

His voice sounded farther smiled gently.

"Don't worry. You will move on, forget about me in time."

"And you?" I asked, my voice strangled.

"I will do the same. I am very easily distracted." He took a step away from me. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

The plural caught my attention.

"Amber isn't coming back." She had been out of school for a few days and she hadn't return my calls.

He shook his head slowly."No. They are all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Amber is gone?" My voice was blank with disbelief.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her a clean break would be good for you."

I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.

"Goodbye, Meredith." he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.

"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him.

I thought he was reaching for me too. But his hands locked around my wrists and pinned them to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant.

My eyes closed.

"Take care of yourself," he breathed, his breath warm against my skin.

I felt the warm leave and when I opened eyes…He was gone.

I tried to follow him, willing my deadened legs to move and I stumbled through the wooded area of my vast backyard after him…but to no avail. I had to find him. If I stopped looking for him, it was , life, meaning…over.

I walked and walked. For what seemed like hours. I began to feel frantic as I realized I didn't know where I was, or how to get home. It wouldn't feel like home without him. He was my reason for everything. At eighteen, I knew he was my soul mate. The one I was destined to be with. As I looked around, at the cold, empty, dark forest, it hit me.

He didn't feel the same way.

I tripped over something and I stayed down, curled up into a ball, willing for death to come upon me.

I laid there for hours, shivering, but I didn't feel the cold, my stomach rumbled, but I didn't feel the hunger, my bones ached, but I didn't feel the pain.

I was empty.

I was unloved.

I was nothing.

**Comments get you a kiss from McDreamy.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all of you who commented and to those of you who added me to your alerts. I appreciate all of you. **

**I was forced to disable anonymous reviews due to a heinous review. I don't mind constructive criticism, but I will not tolerate personal attacks. So to the cowardly person who has nothing better to do than stalk me on Twitter and my website, you have no right to attack my parenting skills. Leave my kids out of it! And go back to elementary school and retake Grammar and Reading because this is not an Addek fic. It says Meredith G. and Derek S. in the summary. Now I am not going to spare you one more thought. To those who are happier being anonymous I am truly sorry and hope you will make the effort to comment anyway. **

**To my Whore Pack on SL who took up for me and was outraged on my behalf, I love all of you so much**.

**I know this is short but most of my chapters are. I am able to write more in smaller bouts of time due to being a full time mother and wife. **

**Enjoy!**

**Book One, Part Two - Girl Time**

Looking back, I realize that I don't remember anything about the next two months directly following that day. Time ceased to exist. I know that I got up every morning and I went to school. I would force down a few bites at breakfast and supper, I would do my homework and I would go to bed. I was in a haze of grief and nothing could penetrate it. My heart was cracked open in tiny fissures, beyond repair. It was like a bomb exploded and the fragments were all over the place, and no one could put it back together again.

I was walking towards my Jeep on a cold December morning when my dad caught up to me.

"Okay, I have had enough. You are going to go back to Boston to live with your mom."

I looked at him catatonically. His words barely made any sense.

"Why? What did I do?" I asked.

I knew my behavior was beyond reproach. I never even went anywhere but to school and the grocery store.

"Nothing. That is the problem. You are just this shell of a person. I just think it would be better for you to get out of here. Without all the reminders of…"

"You want me to leave?" I asked, interrupting him before he could say _his_ name. I couldn't take that.

"No, of course not Mer. I love you. But this is not healthy."

"I'm fine."

"Oh yeah? This," he gestured to my slovenly appearance, "is fine? You not having anything to do with your friends, is fine? You having nightmares and waking up screaming every night, is fine? Your clothes are hanging off of you. I hate to break it to you, Mer, but you are not fine." He stressed to me.

"I am. I actually have plans to meet up with Cristina later today. We are going to go to the movies. Girl time." I told him, trying to remind myself to ask her if she wanted to go the movies. Cristina didn't do girl time.

He slowly nodded.

"That should be fun. Girl time, great." He forced some enthusiasm into his voice.

"Yeah, great. Well gotta go to school now."

He stepped aside and let me go.

/ICUY/

Cristina looked at me shrewdly as she ate her cheeseburger.

I ignored her, nibbling on a chip. My stomach revolted and I put it down.

"You look like shit." She said bluntly.

I looked up at her and then looked back down at my full plate.

"You have circles under your eyes, your hair is greasy and stringy, you have obviously lost weight, you don't talk to anyone, even me and I have been your friend for four years. It's like you don't care about yourself anymore."

I still said nothing.

"Damn it!" Her fist banged the table and I jumped.

"Talk to me."

Tears flooded my eyes and I blinked furiously.

"What do you want me to say? That he left me like I was nothing to him? That he never loved me? That it was all a lie? Fine. I am nothing, he never loved me and it was all a lie." I said.

"Derek…"

"Don't say his name." I whispered. "Please."

She nodded.

"Eat." She demanded, pushing my plate towards me.

"I am not hungry."

"Eat anyway, or I will have your father put you in the hospital and have you fed intravenously."

I glared at her.

"Finally. Some emotion." She said, throwing up her hands in agitation.

"Yeah, anger." I spat.

"Better than nothing. Now eat."

I nodded and picked up my chip and started chewing.

/ICUY/

"Hey Mer!"I looked up from the book I was trying to concentrate on.

"Mark?" I was surprised to see him here. He was _his_ best friend.

He frowned as he looked me over.

"You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes that is the general consensus, thanks." I said sarcastically.

"How much weight have you lost?" He asked.

I shrugged and turned my attention back to trying to read my book. I was on page six and I had been reading for an it hour. It was ripped from my grasp and thrown across the room.

"Get up." He said.

"Leave me alone." I pleaded.

"No!" He made me stand up and he looked at me. The disappointment on his face made me cringe. We had been close, Amber, Mark, him and me.

He grabbed my hand suddenly.

"Come on."

"Where?" I asked.

"Anywhere but here."

**Thanks so much for reading! Xoxo Steph**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry, this took me a while. I am trying to write as far ahead as I can since I am going back to work on Monday. **

**Book One, Part Three - Positive**

"So? Do you want me to look or do you want to?" Mark asked quietly.

I was struggling for breath. It was Christmas morning and Mark had stayed over and we were all going to spend it together. Mark didn't really have anyone much in the way of family so he had been by my side for the last month, almost constantly. My school and sleep were the only things that separated us, as he had dropped out the year before. I found it easier to breathe around him. He actually made me smile. Now everything was about to change.

For my whole life rested on what that little white stick had to say.

_Positive_

_Negative_

_Pregnant_

_Not Pregnant._

"I have to do this." I whispered.

He nodded.

"Well, it's been five minutes, it only needed three." He said.

I nodded, and got up on shaky legs and walked to the tiny bathroom I shared with my dad. I closed my eyes and then opened them, blinking as I looked at the pregnancy test.

I fell down to the floor, biting my lip hard to stop the sobs from being heard. I tasted blood on my lip. I was vaguely aware of warm arms wrapping around me, rocking me back and forth, murmuring words of encouragement.

I am not sure how long we stayed like that, but he never complained.

"What am I going to do?" I whispered.

"We are going to have a baby." He informed me.

I leaned back to look at him ,confused.

"I know this baby isn't mine, but you don't have to do this alone. I will be here the whole time. I am not going anywhere. I promise."

"That's what he said." I choked out.

"I'm not him."

How well I knew that…

/ICUY/

"You're pregnant?"

My father stopped pacing long enough to glare at me and Mark, his face a vivid puce.

"I'm sorry Daddy." I whispered.

"How did this happen?" He asked.

"Well, you see there is an egg and then some sperm and…" Mark said.

The look my dad gave him shut him up.

"You! You…I ask you to look after my daughter, to help her and this is what happens?" He asked.

"It's not his fault." I interjected quietly.

"Then whose is it? You didn't get pregnant by yourself."

"It's not his." I said calmly, though I felt anything but calm.

That stopped my father cold.

"That little bastard!" He yelled. "He left you knowing your were pregnant?"

"He didn't know. I didn't know until last week."

"How far along are you?" He asked, finally sitting down.

I loved my dad but he tended to overreact…a lot. I had come to live with him my freshman year when my mom had moved to Boston with her husband and we were extraordinarily close. This whole situation was killing him.

"I don't know, but if I had to guess I would say four months. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

"I am really disappointed in you Meredith. I thought I had raised you better than that, but this is going to happen so there is no sense in dwelling on it."

He looked at Mark.

"What is your role in all this?"

"I am here for Mer. No matter what." He vowed.

My dad nodded."Looks like we are having a baby."

**I know it is very very short. Next chapter will be twice this length. Please comment!**


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